


Need A Hand?

by TeamDamon



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Porn with Feelings, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Virgin Steve Rogers, briefly mentioned background Nat/Sharon, bros being bros, in part 2, pals being pals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-09 18:39:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19481719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamDamon/pseuds/TeamDamon
Summary: So really, Bucky told himself frequently, he couldn’t complain. Sure, he had anxiety and nightmares and... other issues, but those were par for the course for a survivor like him. It was fine. Everything was fine, or at least as fine as it was probably ever gonna get.But all of that was little consolation when he woke up hard as a rock and unable to find relief at 4 in the morning at least a few times a week.—Post Captain America: The Winter Soldier AU, where Bucky comes home to Steve, Civil War never happens, and he and Steve stumble into uncharted waters together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After Endgame left me devastated I binged on post-TWS AU fics to help fill the Stucky void, and I found so many beautiful amazing stories and they inspired me to write one of my own. Most of the second part is already written, just gotta finish it! Thank you to MorningGlory2 for always reading and helping and enduring all my random ideas, I’d be lost without you! :) and thank you to any and all who read this!!

Bucky was doing pretty well, all things considered. 

He had found his way home to Steve in New York and was living safe at Avengers Tower with him, given refuge that he didn’t deserve from Tony Stark, and things were... okay. Not perfect, not great, but okay. And that was honestly more than he could ever hope for, if he was being honest. 

His memories were spotty, hazy in more places than not, but they were there. He remembered Steve most clearly, the warm sunny days in Brooklyn and cruel winters that they’d endured together, the war... and  after . H e  remembered his missions under Hydra, the screams of victims that he’d silenced mindlessly, heard them in nightmares that he would wake from with screams of his own. 

Just getting through the day was hard enough, but the nights were the worst. And that was why it didn’t take long before Bucky ended up sharing Steve’s big, roomy bed each night. They both slept better close to each other - “Always have,” Steve had told Bucky with a fond smile that first night before he turned off the lights. And it was true. Bucky’s nightmares came less often and his usual 3-4 hours of sleep stretched to a full 8. 

After some months of therapy, training and the removal of embedded Hydra triggers thanks to the generosity of Wakanda, Bucky was cleared to join the Avengers on missions. At first he was hesitant to step back into the field but in time he realized it was a way to make amends, to help right some of the wrongs that he’d committed against his will. He couldn’t bring the dead back but he _could_ help the Avengers hunt down Hydra and eliminate the threats they posed to the world. And knowing that Steve would be with him and watch his back gave him the sense of security that he needed to take that step. 

So really, he told himself frequently, he couldn’t complain. Sure, he had anxiety and nightmares and... other issues, but those were par for the course for a survivor like him. It was fine. Everything was fine, or at least as fine as it was probably ever gonna get. 

But all of that was little consolation when he woke up hard as a rock and unable to find relief at 4 in the morning at least a few times a week. 

—

The dream was dark and hazy, heated and enticing, seductive as it pulled at corners of Bucky’s memories that weren’t as clear as others. The touch of lips, of skin, of the ache of pleasure and the addictive draw of it, the release that he needed so badly but could never quite reach. 

He awoke with a gasping breath, fists in the sheets and body slick with sweat, boxers tented with an erection so hard that it hurt. He groaned under his breath and slid his metal hand into his slightly damp long hair, heart pounding and mind racing and body betraying his every wish to just... behave and let him be. 

As the Winter Soldier, desire hadn’t been something that he had been allowed to know. He hadn’t felt anything at all during those years, and that made the experience of becoming human again all the more overwhelming, as if he was experiencing it all for the very first time. 

He glanced over to Steve, laying on his side facing away from Bucky, still asleep as far as Bucky could tell, and Bucky let out a shaky breath as he closed his eyes and tried to will away his arousal. If he couldn’t make it work then a cold shower would be his only option and those brought back memories that were even harder to deal with than this particular issue. 

He tossed the covers off of himself and took a few deep breaths, forcing himself to think of the least sexually appealing things possible. His long-dead grandmother, crying kittens, modern music, baseball... Tony Stark. He might have succeeded with his mission had Steve not decided to wake up and roll over with a concerned, sleepy, “Hey, you okay, Buck?”

Nearly jumping out of his already-on edge skin, Bucky instead quickly threw the cover back over his lap and muttered, “M’fine. Dream.”

Blinking a few times and brows knitting with concern, Steve turned to face Bucky more fully. “Wanna talk about it?”

Bucky flushed with embarrassment, narrowly avoiding the urge to bolt. “Not... not that kind of dream.”

Steve seemed, understandably, confused. He looked Bucky over, which made Bucky feel all the more exposed and nervous, then asked, “You sure you’re okay?”

Bucky let out a humorless laugh. “No, not really.”

“You can talk to me,” Steve reminded him gently. “If you want to.”

Bucky expected nothing less. Steve was all about unconditional love and support, but always with consent first. He swallowed hard, and it was only due to how long he’d been struggling with this particular issue that he suffered a lapse in judgment and, purely out of desperation, muttered, “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, sure,” Steve said, perking up a bit and sitting up by just a fraction. 

Bucky gritted his teeth and forced the words out before he lost his nerve. “Is it... am I... normal if I can’t... after everything...”

“Yeah?” Steve pressed gently. 

Bucky sighed. “I can’t get off. Ever.”

First there was silence, then the quiet but distinct sound of Steve licking his lips. Bucky’s cheeks burned as he waited for a response, which finally came in the form of an eloquent, “Oh.”

Bucky stared stonily at the ceiling. “Yeah.”

“That’s... yeah, it’s not uncommon, I don’t think,” Steve replied. “I didn’t... I’ve never... had that problem, but that’s...”

Bucky shook his head, rolling his eyes at himself. “Never mind. Shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, it’s okay. Have you told your therapist?”

The mere thought of telling his therapist - an older woman who was damn good at her job and, he was pretty sure, had x-ray vision into his very soul - was unbearable. “Fuck no. This is the first time I’ve said it out loud.”

Steve paused. “Is it... can you not... physically...”

Bucky shook his head. “No it’s... when I’ve  tried ... I almost get there but then my head just... I can’t let go. I see everyone I hurt. Everyone I killed. My hands,” he lifted them for emphasis and then let them fall at his sides. “I just see them covered in blood and hurting people and I can’t. No matter how much I want to, I can’t.”

“Buck,” Steve said softly, his voice a little closer now. Bucky finally looked his way, finding Steve indeed a bit closer and his head propped on his hand. “It’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Recovery is hard. Looks different for everyone.”

“Yeah, well... guess there’s worse things to have than a broken dick.”

“Nothing about you is  _broken_ ,” Steve replied with a tiny smile. He paused and then added lightly, “I’d offer to help, but... not sure how I can.”

Bucky let out a laugh that Steve mirrored. “Yeah... I mean, unless you wanna lend me a hand.”

Steve chuckled, shrugging lightly. “Wouldn’t be so bad, if you needed it.”

Bucky started to laugh again, until Steve’s words sunk in. He turned his head back to Steve, blurting, “Wait, what?”

Steve froze. “What?”

They then stared at each other, two idiots who had no idea what the hell was happening, the silence pounding in both of their ears until Steve broke it with a stuttered, “I just - I just meant - I -“

“Are you serious?” Bucky suddenly demanded, needing to know and panicking a little. 

“No,” Steve shook his head. Then he froze, furrowed his brows at the slightly wounded look on Bucky’s face, and amended, “Unless - do you want me to be?”

Bucky opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He had no idea how to answer, had no idea what Steve actually meant or wanted, and  _ugh God_ he was sweating again -

“ Okay,” Steve cleared his throat. “Let’s start over. All I meant was, if you needed help in that way - one way or another - helping you out wouldn’t be so bad. You’re my friend. If you need my help, whatever it is, I’ll be there.”

Bucky’s anxious expression softened, his heart warming with the ever-growing affection he had for this man. “Well... thanks.”

Steve nodded. “I didn’t mean to make it weird,” he chuckled. “If I did, we can just pretend this never happened.”

Bucky shook his head. “No, it’s okay.”

Steve reached over and patted Bucky’s shoulder through the thin t-shirt he wore. Then his slight smile gave way to a frown as he asked, “So you don’t even... in your sleep?”

“Nope. Always wake up first.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. Tell me about it,” Bucky sighed. 

A beat of silence passed. “You know,” Steve began awkwardly, “I’ve heard they make toys now. For men.”

Bucky turned wide eyes on him. “Steve, no.”

Steve held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, sorry.” Another pause, and then, “Maybe... I could ask around, find a girl who’d be willing to -“

“Fucking hell, Steve, _no_ ,” Bucky snapped, though his tone was all exasperation and no malice. “That’s -  _fuck_ . No. I can barely handle a doctor touching me long enough to take a blood sample, let alone - that. No. I can’t do that with someone I don’t know or trust.”

“Okay. Yeah, that makes sense,” Steve conceded. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Bucky shrugged. “I appreciate the thought. S’just... yeah.”

“You said you see your hands hurting people so I figured... maybe someone else’s hands could get you there.”

Bucky’s heart skipped a beat at that, previously waning erection perking up unexpectedly. It was the way that Steve said those words, his voice low and familiar and comforting, and just the idea of getting there... of finally breaking down that wall and finding the relief that he hadn’t had since fucking 1945... 

“They might,” Bucky murmured, voice coming out a lot huskier than he’d intended. “I don’t know.”

Then he closed his eyes, heart still beating erratic and cock pulsing, body overheated and desperate for something his mind wouldn’t let him have, and _God_ he hated it. 

“ Only one way to find out.”

Bucky’s eyes flew open and landed on Steve immediately. There was no joking or silliness in Steve’s expression, nothing to indicate that he was teasing or being a punk, but Bucky found it nearly impossible to believe that Steve was actually serious, and Steve could tell by his eyes alone. 

“It’s just me, Buck,” Steve shrugged lightly. “I know I’m not your type,” he chuckled lowly, “but I’m here and you know me. You trust me. Doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

.... _Was this even real?_

Bucky’s head was swimming, face engulfed in a very uncharacteristic blush, and he was back to the full, painful hardness he’d woken up to. His voice was stuck in his throat, his gut screaming at him to jump on the opportunity and his brain screaming at him to refuse Steve outright before anything got irreparably weird. 

“It’s up to you,” Steve added softly, remarkably calm about all of it. “Offer stands.”

As soon as the words left Steve’s mouth, resolute and fearless, Bucky knew there was only one way this was going to end. There was only one choice to make, and he found himself making it far faster than either of them could have ever predicted. 

“Please,” came his voice, small and nervous and more than a little desperate. “I - I just -“

Steve blinked in surprise, as if it hadn’t occurred to him that Bucky might actually say yes, but then he nodded and a lovely blush filled his cheeks as he replied, “Okay. Yeah. You sure?”

Bucky nodded quickly. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Okay. How -“ Steve began to scoot forward under the blankets but then stopped short. “How do you want to -“

Bucky’s brain began to short circuit, suddenly realizing fully that this was happening and that Steve was shirtless and had been this entire time, and that he was about to come a lot closer and touch Bucky and make him - 

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, mild panic mixing with a deep excitement that he hadn’t expected. “I don’t -“

Steve looked him over for a moment. “Okay, how about you just...” He turned Bucky gently on his side, facing away from him, and then shifted to lay behind him, Bucky’s back to Steve’s chest. Steve slid an arm under Bucky and rested his other hand on top of his upper arm as they settled, just the barest of inches separating their bodies. “How’s this?”

Bucky nodded. “This is good.” At least this way, Steve couldn’t see how ridiculous his face must look, shifting back and forth from eager to terrified every five seconds. 

“Okay. And if at any point you change your mind or you don’t like it, or anything like that... you just say the word and I’ll stop, all right? Promise me, Buck.”

Bucky shivered. “I promise, Steve.”

Steve rubbed Bucky’s arm lightly, comfortingly. “You ready?”

He would probably never be ready, not for this, but that was beside the point. Bucky damn sure wasn’t about to turn back now. “Yeah.” Then he reached down and hastily pushed down his boxers down and out of the way, breath catching at an accidental slide of his hand against his cock. He was so damn oversensitive, there was no way this was gonna last long, if it worked. 

“Relax, Buck,” Steve murmured into his ear, hand on his arm slowly slipping down and disappearing beneath the covers. “I’ve got you.”

Bucky closed his eyes, finding comfort in Steve’s words and his voice, taking a deep breath and letting it go. He was safe here, safe with Steve and in his arms, as far away from Hydra as he could be, and if this worked... he could reclaim yet another piece of himself and his humanity from the monsters who’d hurt him for so long. 

Steve’s hand came to rest carefully on Bucky’s bare hip. “Tell me one last time. You’re sure about this?”

Bucky nodded, keeping his eyes shut. “Yeah, Steve.”

“Okay.”

There was the briefest second of hesitation, and then Steve’s hand was moving lower as Bucky held his breath. 

At the first light touch of Steve’s hand, Bucky shuddered and let out a noise that he couldn’t hold back. Steve started whispering comforting little words into his ear as he rubbed his hand up and down the length of Bucky, just getting him used to the touch before he closed his fingers around him and gave him his first real stroke. 

“Oh God,” Bucky groaned, already out of control of his own words and actions. All he knew was warmth and touch and  Steve , his Steve, giving him everything he needed but never would have asked for on his own. 

“Breathe, Bucky,” Steve reminded him, working his hand up and down slowly, tightening his grip a little bit. “That good?”

Bucky shivered, both from Steve’s hand and from his voice in his ear. “Yeah,” he murmured, gripping the pillow under his head with his metal hand. “Fuck, yeah, that’s good.”

And it was. It was so good, in fact, that Bucky was sure that it would be over embarrassingly quickly, especially as Steve seemed to gain confidence from his words and started stroking him more smoothly and self-assuredly. It might have been just Steve’s hand but it was more than Bucky’d had in decades and much more than he expected to get, and every nerve in his body was fired up at full force and on overload already. 

He got so close so fast that it also sent his brain into panic mode all the quicker, his muscles tensing and jaw clenching as he began to anticipate the inevitable failure that surely awaited him. Anxiety began to replace the cloud of pleasure low in his gut, ice replacing heat until Steve caught on and used the arm under Bucky to lock around his chest and pull him back flush against Steve’s front. 

“Hey, hey,” he whispered gently into Bucky’s ear, his breath sending shivers down Bucky’s spine. “Stay with me, Buck. S’just me and you, okay? You can do this. You can let go. I’ve got you.”

Bucky’s hand came up to clutch at Steve’s arm, though he was barely aware of it. “I’m - I don’t know, I -“

“Look at me, Buck.”

Bucky could do nothing but obey, opening his eyes and turning his head to look up into Steve’s fiery, determined, gorgeous blue eyes. 

“Keep your eyes on me, all right?” Steve all but commanded, thumb swiping under the head of Bucky’s cock with every stroke, earning a low little groan from Bucky every time. “How’s that feel?”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered shut as he spoke. “Really -  fuck \- really fuckin’ good.”

Steve started moving faster, sensing Bucky’s desperation and how badly he needed it, how tenuously he was hanging on and how easily it might all go sideways. “C’mon, Buck,” Steve purred, holding Bucky tight and working him over the way he liked to work himself. “Don’t fight it. You close?”

Bucky nodded, lips parted and eyes still shut, hips jerking under Steve’s touch, on the cusp of something he needed more than air itself. “M’so close, Steve.”

“Go on, Buck,” Steve told him lowly, lips almost -  almost \- brushing over Bucky’s ear. “Let go, let yourself go.”

It was those words and that faint almost-touch of his lips coupled with the almost shocking knowledge that this was real and it was _Steve_ touching him like this that made Bucky finally, at long last, come harder than he ever had before in his life. Once it started it felt like it couldn’t stop, his vision fading and the whole damn world coming to a grinding halt as he let a wave of mind-blowing pleasure wash over him until he was completely, blessedly spent. It was like nothing he had experienced in either recent or long term memory, and by the time it was over, he could barely remember his own name - in the good, non-terrifying way. 

In fact, by the time he opened his eyes, Steve had apparently cleaned them both up and tugged Bucky’s boxers back up and over his hips. Steve was back under the covers and lying close to Bucky, smiling fondly when Bucky looked around in mild confusion. “There you are. Thought you’d blacked out for a minute.”

“I think I might have,” Bucky admitted, smiling lazily. He stretched, suddenly feeling like he could sleep for a whole month. “Thank you, Steve.”

Steve smiled and ducked his head, his eyes a little shy now but also displaying more than a little bit of self-satisfaction. He looked proud, pleased with himself, and Bucky didn’t blame him one bit. “It was my pleasure.” 

They both blinked once, twice, and then broke out laughing. It was ridiculous but so was the entire situation, and Bucky thanked the very heavens above that they were able to laugh about it like this rather than wallow in awkwardness. 

He and Steve really could get through anything together, it seemed. Even this. 

Bucky opened his mouth and was one breath away from offering to return the favor when Steve gave Bucky’s shoulder a pat and said, “Sun’s almost up - I’m gonna go for a run. Wanna come with me?”

Bucky shook his head and sunk deeper into the bed. “Hell no. After that, I feel like I could sleep a week.”

Steve blushed and grinned. “Guess I did something right then. Okay,” he rolled over to rise from the bed, Bucky’s eyes drifting down to his ass in his low-slung sweatpants. “I’ll bring back bagels.”

Bucky pulled the covers up to his neck. “Cinnamon sugar ones.”

“Sure thing, pal,” Steve replied before stepping into the bathroom and clicking the door shut behind him. 

Bucky let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting much-needed sleep pull him under. He may not deserve Steve’s loyalty and devotion, but he sure as hell would never stop being more grateful for itthan words could say. And now he simply had yet another reason to be thankful for him. 

—

To Bucky’s immense relief, nothing changed between himself and Steve in the following days. Their comfortable, easy dynamic stayed the same and Bucky’s spirits were lifted well beyond what the others around him were used to, including Natasha who asked him what had him smiling so much more than usual. 

He’d glanced over at Steve and shared a wordless, secret exchange with him, both of them knowing the reason and not sharing it with a damn soul. 

He rode that high for three days, until he tried his own hand at getting off in the shower. He’d thought that now it would be easier and that he’d be able to let go and take care of himself, but instead the same damn thing happened all over again. He got himself to the edge and then couldn’t take that final step, his mind flashing back to places that left him feeling icy and panicky and killing his arousal. He just narrowly avoided punching a hole in the tile wall before stomping out of the shower, wet and frustrated and beyond angry at himself. 

That night, when Steve slipped into bed beside Bucky, Bucky had almost immediately felt himself stir with desire that startled him with how fast it came on. But he felt so safe there, under the covers with Steve by his side, and when Steve glanced over and asked if he was okay, Bucky stumbled over his words until Steve realized what the problem was and offered his help once again. 

It happened much like it had the first time, with Steve holding Bucky to his chest and murmuring sweet words in his ear as he stroked him off, his touch more sure and not a bit hesitant this time. Bucky didn’t even try to hide his enthusiasm and relief, all but sinking back against Steve - shirtless again, warm as the sun itself and safe and feeling like  home \- and letting him take him where he needed to go. 

After, Steve cleaned him up again and Bucky was asleep before he’d even finished. Steve simply smiled and pulled the blankets up and over him, then settled back into his side of the bed and drifted off next. 

The third time it happened, two days later at the crack of dawn, Bucky managed to keep his eyes open long enough to ask Steve if he wanted him to return the favor. 

“Nah,” Steve waved him off, an easy smile on his face. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about me.”

“But -“

“No, really,” Steve insisted, patting Bucky’s arm and then slipping out of bed. “I’m fine. Long as I’m helping you, that’s enough for me.”

Then he headed off into the shower, leaving Bucky laying there in bed and wondering why he felt sort of... almost... _hurt_ at Steve’s refusal. He knew it was silly and irrational, but something about it bothered him. 

He supposed he just didn’t like this strange new extension of their friendship being so one-sided. He didn’t like taking without giving back, especially not with Steve. He understood  _why_ Steve would refuse - he wasn’t attracted to Bucky, after all, just helping him out - but it still stung regardless. 

He tried to shake it off with only mild success. But then Steve got a call from Tony and then they were on a Quinjet headed to Eastern Europe for a two week-long mission, and Bucky was happy for the distraction. 

The mission went as well as it could, lasting a bit longer than it should have but in the end they found the intel they needed and took a major Hydra base out of commission. It was late the night that Steve and Bucky came home, tired but in good spirits, a few bruises and cuts their only injuries. Bucky was ready to peel himself out of his uniform and crawl into Steve’s bed, which was probably his favorite place in the world, and the closer they got to it the better it sounded. 

They were still in uniform when they took the elevator up to their floor, Bucky distracted by the passing floor numbers until Steve began undoing his gloves. Bucky glanced over and felt his mouth go dry as he watched Steve pull off the brown leather, flexing his fingers once they were free, reaching up to brush aside a few blonde locks that had fallen into his forehead. 

That was when Steve caught Bucky staring, pausing and then asking quietly, “You okay, Buck?”

Bucky froze, eyes flying up to Steve’s and his words not quite working. Steve looked him over, noting the blush rising on his cheeks and the shy but heated glint in his eyes, and his expression shifted from slightly concerned to knowing. 

“Need a hand?”

Bucky huffed a slight laugh, feeling the burn in his cheeks as he cast his eyes down. “Yeah, I think so.”

Steve grinned back, bumping his shoulder into Bucky’s. “All you gotta do is ask, pal.”

Bucky forced himself to smile and play along with Steve’s lighthearted demeanor, but he may as well have been on fire right where he stood. He could feel himself hardening beneath his suddenly too-tight pants, entire body responding to Steve’s offer in an instant, and he had neither the capacity nor the desire to comprehend the implications of that at the moment. 

The elevator came to a stop and opened up before them, Steve stepping out in front of Bucky and reaching down to undo his utility belt as he said, “Let me grab a quick shower and I’ll meet you in the bedroom, okay?”

Bucky nodded and Steve disappeared into one of the three bathrooms on their floor. Bucky just stood there until the elevator doors began to close, snapping him out of his lust-fueled stupor. 

Right. Shower. That was a good idea. 

He took the world’s fastest shower in the bathroom attached to Steve’s room, body thrumming with anticipation and hands shaking a little with it, and he felt absolutely ridiculous but he just couldn’t help it. The second he deemed himself clean enough he stepped out and dried off as quickly as possible, throwing on a pair of boxers and making a beeline for Steve’s bed, hoping Steve wasn’t far behind. 

But Steve was taking his sweet time, apparently, and it felt like an eternity passed as Bucky laid beneath the sheets and tried to keep from crawling out of his skin. But it was only a matter of time before he was pushing his boxers down and taking himself in hand, trying to find some relief while he waited and imagining it was Steve’s hand rather than his own. He thought of the way it felt when Steve touched him, the warmth of his hand and his broad chest pressed to Bucky’s back, the way Steve’s breath tickled his neck and the way his words pushed him over the edge... 

“Gettin’ started without me?”

Bucky froze with his hand mid-stroke and opened his eyes to find Steve - in nothing but boxer briefs, blonde hair wet and messy atop his head, healthy pink glow to his skin - walking towards the bed with amusement in his eyes. 

Bucky felt himself flush from head to toe, which he’d never realized was even possible. “I... just...”

“It’s okay,” Steve grinned, slipping into bed and wasting no time in moving in close. “C’mere, Buck.”

Bucky shivered as he happily complied, letting go of himself and settling into Steve’s arms in their usual position. This time it was a bit different, as Bucky was usually more clothed and there wasn’t nearly as much skin to skin contact as there was now, but it only served to make him even harder and more eager for Steve’s touch. 

Steve hugged him close with his arm curled around Bucky’s chest, murmuring, “Two weeks was too long, wasn’t it? I should have thought about that, I’m sorry.”

Bucky opened his mouth to answer only to clamp it shut and groan as Steve’s hand wrapped around him, wasting no time teasing him. “S’okay,” he finally forced out through the pleasure racing through his body. 

“No it’s not,” Steve quietly disagreed, Bucky able to feel every word as it rumbled out of Steve’s chest against his back. “Don’t ever be afraid to ask me for what you need, Buck.”

Those words nearly made Bucky come right then and there. Instead he bit his lip way too hard and shut his eyes tight, trying to keep himself in check and enjoy this a little longer, wanting Steve to keep touching him for as long as he could get away with. 

And that was another thought that he had no interest in analyzing further. 

Then Steve shifted the arm curled around his chest and unintentionally brushed his fingers over one of Bucky’s nipples, and the resulting hiss and moan that came shuddering out of Bucky took them both by surprise. Bucky felt his cheeks grow hot again, a twinge of embarrassment washing over him as Steve’s hand stilled for a second or two. But then it was moving again, stroking him firm and just the way he liked it, and to Bucky’s everlasting surprise... a very deliberate finger teased at his nipple very much on purpose. 

“ Oh fuck ,” Bucky whimpered, hand reaching back blindly for something, anything, to hold on to amid the onslaught of sensations. He ended up clinging to the back of Steve’s neck, and Steve didn’t seem to mind as he continued driving Bucky towards a release that he could do nothing to stave off any longer. He worked him mercilessly until it was simply too much and he was spilling with a breathless moan, short nails digging into Steve’s neck a little harder than he intended. 

After the last tremble faded away, Bucky let out a long sigh and laid back bonelessly against Steve. He pulled his hand away from Steve’s neck, not sure if it was still okay to touch him like that now that they were done, and they laid there silently for a few wonderful, silent moments. 

Bucky kind of wanted it to stay like that forever. He could get used to this, he realized - not just the orgasms, but this... semi-cuddling after. 

But it couldn’t stay like that forever, and before Bucky knew it Steve was gently pulling away from him. Bucky shifted to lay on his back and watched as Steve grabbed a small hand towel from the bedside table and used it to clean them up. He kept a few there now, apparently, and something about that fact made Bucky shiver all over again. 

Then, as Steve was tossing it into a laundry basket not far away from the bed, Bucky’s eyes glanced down to Steve’s lap and it was like the entire world ground to ascreeching halt. Bucky blinked once, twice, and then he let out a small and dumbstruck, “ _Steve_ .”

Steve turned and looked at Bucky as if nothing was out of the ordinary. “Hm?”

Bucky blinked at him, then looked pointedly down and back up again. “You’re...”  _hard as a fuckin’ rock_ , Bucky wanted to say, but instead he licked his lips and asked, “Want some help with that?”

Steve glanced down as if he hadn’t noticed his massive erection until that moment - _yeah right_ \- and quickly shook his head. “Oh. No, it’s fine. No big deal. Don’t worry about it.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, sitting up to level Steve with a disbelieving glare. “Seriously?”

Steve stared back like he genuinely couldn’t comprehend why this was an issue. “What?”

When Bucky simply continued staring at him with no small amount of exasperation, Steve finally dropped the act and sighed heavily, dropping his eyes. 

“I just don’t... want this to turn into something where you feel obligated to do things you don’t really wanna do,” he explained, turning back to Bucky. “I don’t expect anything in return. And I wouldn’t ask for anything, either.”

“You know,” Bucky replied quietly, “you don’t have to be so damn selfless all the time, over  everything . Gets kind of annoying.”

Steve’s lips quirked up. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

“Yeah, well...” Bucky paused and took a breath, trying to stay cool even though his heart was still pounding like crazy. “Doesn’t have to be so one-sided. No reason for it.”

“But if you don’t _want_ to \- “

“Steve,” Bucky murmured, “I do. I wanna make you feel good, the way you make me feel good.”

And that... _that_ was not what he’d intended to say, not by a long shot. He panicked inwardly a little as soon as the words left his tongue, and he watched as Steve’s eyes dilated and a blush touched his cheeks. 

“.... You mean that?” Steve asked, almost like he was afraid to ask. 

“Yeah,” Bucky admitted. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I’m... not exactly the petite little dames you used to chase around Brooklyn,” Steve noted with a little smile. 

“Well... we’re not in Brooklyn anymore, pal,” Bucky replied with a mirroring quirk of his lips. Then he took a chance and reached out, placing cool metal fingertips against the heated skin of Steve’s chest and pressing gently. “Lay back, Steve.”

Steve’s head hit the pillow with a soft thud, heated eyes glued to his best friend. Bucky looked him over, laid out before him like masculine beauty personified, eyes shyer than they ever were when Steve was touching him, and Bucky had to wonder... 

“You’ve done this before... right?”

Steve shook his head, blush deepening. “No, never.”

Bucky’s eyes flew back up to his, disbelief written all over his face. Steve simply shrugged and smiled, something distinctly adorable about him in that moment, and Bucky sighed and reached down to tug at the waistband of Steve’s underwear. “You’re ridiculous, Steve.”

“Yeah... I know.”

Bucky had another wisecrack on the tip of his tongue but it died the very second Steve’s cock sprang free from the briefs that Bucky had pulled down. It was hard as hell, a little wet at the tip and it was... fuckin’ big and, if a dick could be pretty, then this one sure as hell was. 

“Fucking hell, Steve,” Bucky groaned, reaching for it with his right hand and grasping it with far less trepidation than he himself had expected. But they were long past such silliness now, he figured, and besides... it was velvet soft and hot and fit in his hand rather nicely. He gave Steve a long stroke, from the top to the bottom and back again, and the way that Steve groaned made Bucky’s heart flip flop in his chest. 

As Bucky took a moment to get familiar with the act of touching another man - his first time touching another person like this in  decades \- Steve watched with a clenched jaw and furrowed brows, fisting the sheets as he tried to maintain some semblance of self control. Bucky was too caught up to notice at first, at least until a few drops of pre-come caught his eye and, acting on pure instinct and curiosity, he leaned forward to lick it off. 

Steve made a sound like he’d been punched, and Bucky’s eyes flew up to his. They stared at each other as Bucky continued to stroke him, Bucky not looking away as he slowly leaned in again and swirled his tongue around the tip. Steve made that noise again and let his head fall back, eyes falling shut, and Bucky was suddenly overcome with the urge to make him keep making those sounds, taste him more, give him anything he wanted. 

Bucky slowly, carefully took Steve into his mouth, and Steve gasped at the feeling of a hot mouth engulfing him for the first time. Bucky took him down as far as he could before sliding back up, glancing up and finding Steve watching him, awestruck. 

Bucky grinned as much as he could in his current position and then sucked Steve back down, determined to make this as good for Steve as he could. He worked his hand in sync with his mouth, building a rhythm that had Steve panting and reaching out towards him in aborted little movements, like he wanted to touch but was too afraid to. Bucky noticed the third time it happened and took his hand with his metal one and slipped it into his own hair, looking up at Steve with his mouth full and eyes welcoming the touch. Steve responded by curling his fingers into Bucky’s hair and letting out a rough moan as Bucky then redoubled his efforts, spurred on by the contact and just wanting to be good for his friend. 

It didn’t take long after that for Steve’s breaths to start coming quicker, his blush reaching all the way down to his belly button as he squirmed beneath Bucky and began to tighten his grip in his hair. “Buck...  _Buck_ , I’m -“

Bucky simply groaned and sucked harder, wanting everything Steve had to give him. Steve gasped and his thighs began to quake, hips thrusting gently into Bucky’s mouth as he came with a deep, wrecked moan. Bucky made a bit of a mess with it, not quite as prepared as he’d thought he was, but he swallowed what he could and licked up the rest. He didn’t even think twice about it, finding that he didn’t mind the taste. 

And Steve was, simply put, undone. He was boneless against the bed, naked and beautiful and flushed, chest heaving with heavy breaths, and Bucky’s chest ached a little as he looked him over. He wanted to curl up at his side, to press their foreheads together and kiss him until they couldn’t breathe, but that somehow felt like a far more insurmountable boundary than the ones they’d just crossed. Instead, he carefully pulled Steve’s underwear back up his thighs, tucking him back in and then tugged the covers up as he moved to lay down on his side of the bed. 

But he didn’t go far. He laid facing Steve, the two men mere inches apart as Steve opened his eyes and looked at Bucky with a dazed, sleepy smile. Bucky grinned back, blushing and finding himself completely at a loss for words. 

“ Wow ,” Steve breathed, and Bucky got the impression from his almost reverent tone that he’d just given Steve a life-altering experience. 

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed, licking his now-swollen lips. Steve’s eyes flickered down to them before raising back up, and the look that they shared required no words, no conversation, no elaboration. 

Something had shifted, and Bucky could feel it. He just wasn’t quite sure what it was just yet. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve & Bucky navigate the changing dynamics in their relationship, with a bump or two along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your comments and kudos!! This got a better response than I expected :D I hope you guys like this and that it doesn’t suck lol and thank you to MorningGlory2 for helping me get unstuck when I needed it and for always being amazing :)

The following night, Steve beat Bucky to bed for the very first time since Bucky had moved in. He stepped out of the bathroom, teeth brushed and hair tied back in a loose bun, eyes falling on Steve as he lounged on the bed above the covers. He was only in boxer briefs, one leg bent at the knee and blocking Bucky’s view of that part of his body, an arm behind his head and eyes not doing a thing to hide his intentions as they met Bucky’s. 

Bucky swallowed hard, walking towards the bed and feeling a low thrill hum through his veins. He hadn’t seen much of Steve today, having spent the morning in therapy and the afternoon with Natasha training while Steve had been wrapped up in Avengers business until after dinner. But he’d been on his mind from the moment he woke up, unable to think about hardly anything but the encounter they’d shared and the way Steve’s cock had felt on his tongue. 

And from the way that Steve stared at him as he came closer, Bucky was willing to bet that Steve had been thinking about it , too. 

The minute that Bucky slipped fully into bed, Steve was reaching for him. He grabbed him by the thin black t-shirt he wore and pulled him close, turning his body towards Bucky and letting him see how hard he already was. One glance downwards had Bucky losing his breath and getting painfully hard himself, looking back up at Steve and finding himself at a loss for words. 

But that was okay. Steve didn’t mind, pushing Bucky’s shirt up and muttering, “ _Off_ , take it off.” They each shifted and tugged until the shirt was off and on the floor, and then Steve was pushing Bucky down to his back and Bucky was more than happy to follow his lead. 

Leaning over Bucky, Steve ran a hand down the middle of Bucky’s chest down to his defined abs, letting it drift back up again and watching himself touch him. Propped up on one arm, he ran gentle, curious fingertips over Bucky’s pecs, cupping the firm muscle and giving it a squeeze, making Bucky blush like a schoolgirl. Then he rubbed his thumb over the nipple, looking up to watch Bucky gasp and blush harder at the touch. 

“Sensitive, huh?” Steve murmured, rolling it between his fingers, tugging slightly, clearly enjoying the way that Bucky writhed in response. Then he switched to the other side, and before Bucky could grapple with the change, a warm mouth replaced those fingers and he was letting out a sound that he didn’t even know he could make. 

“ _Steve_ ,” Bucky gasped, looking down and watching him lick and nip and send sparks of pure pleasure straight to his cock, his hips rolling up into nothing as he squirmed with arousal. “ Fuck, Steve, _Steve_ ...”

Steve seemed to like hearing his name on Bucky’s lips like that, letting out a low groan into his rapidly overheating skin. Just when Bucky thought he might scream and possibly come entirely untouched, Steve pulled away and then slipped down his body, not hesitating in the slightest to pull off Bucky’s boxers and leave him completely naked and at his mercy for the first time. 

Then Steve’s hand was wrapped around Bucky and he was thrusting up into it, metal hand fisting his own hair and right hand clutching at the sheets, too turned on and too desperate to care what any of this meant, what it might mean later. For now he just needed the friction, needed the pleasure, and when he opened his eyes to find Steve’s locked on him, intently watching every sensation play out on Bucky’s face and body, he couldn’t help but moan Steve’s name again. 

That earned him a firm little squeeze. “Buck.”

The low, velvety tone of Steve’s voice made Bucky shiver. “Y-yeah.”

“Can I suck you?”

Bucky whimpered out loud and had zero shame in it, meeting Steve’s heated gaze head on and begging, “Fuck, Steve,  _please_ ...”

And that was all Steve needed to hear before dropping his head low, hand sliding down and gripping the base of his cock as he licked a long, shameless trail all the way to the tip. It pulled a gasp out of Bucky, followed by a broken moan when that tongue tasted the pre-come dripping down his length, then flicked against the tip and played around just before a hot mouth slowly closed over it. 

Bucky whimpered again, his senses overwhelmed in the very best way possible. As good as Steve’s hand felt, his mouth felt even better and the sight of him, of his gorgeous blonde head slowly sucking him down and drawing back and then taking him back down again... it might have been the best damn thing Bucky had ever seen. 

It didn’t matter that Steve had no experience with this, that he was learning as he went and taking Bucky shallowly. He felt like fucking heaven anyway and looked even better, and when Steve peeked up to check on Bucky, those pink lips wrapped around his cock like a lollipop, Bucky felt the tight coil in his gut start to unravel and panicked, pushing Steve off before he could come in his mouth. 

“Sorry,” Steve apologized instantly, looking a little dazed as he wiped at his mouth and looked down at Bucky with concern. “Did I do something wrong or -“

“No, no, fuck no,” Bucky breathed hard, metal arm thrown over his eyes as he tried to gather himself. “Just didn’t wanna come yet. S’too good.”

Steve flushed. “Oh.”

Bucky moved his arm and opened his eyes to find a slightly smug little grin on Steve’s face, and all he wanted to do was to kiss it off. He wanted to kiss him more than anything, he realized. 

“Come here,” he murmured, pulling at Steve until he laid down beside him. They laid facing one another, staring into each other’s hungry eyes as Bucky asked, “Can we... together?”

Bucky pushed at Steve’s underwear until it was halfway down his thighs, freeing his cock for Bucky to take in hand. Steve’s breath hitched when he did, and when Steve reached to jerk him off in turn, Bucky shook his head and said, “No, like this.”

He lined them up and wrapped his hand around them both, slowly stroking them off together, and the full body shudder that came from Steve as a result was deeply satisfying. He watched Steve look down to watch their cocks slide together, Bucky’s hand moving over them both, and he seemed transfixed by the sight. Bucky looked down next and decided that he couldn’t blame him - they looked damn good like this. 

Then Steve gently batted Bucky’s hand away and took over, and Bucky shuddered with relief. He slipped that hand up Steve’s chest and behind his neck instead, leaning their foreheads together as he closed his eyes and lost himself in the beautiful building pleasure. The sounds that Steve made, the way his cock felt rubbing against Bucky’s own, the confident and hungry strokes of his hand, all of it left Bucky feeling like he was floating. Nothing had ever felt quite like this before, he knew despite his fuzzy memories. Something like this was unforgettable, intense enough to be etched into his very bones, even more of a revelation than everything up to this point had been. 

And Steve , _God_ , Steve was right there with him. Bucky stared in awe of those unfairly long lashes resting on his flushed cheeks, the furrow of his brows, his parted lips, the way his muscles flexed as his hand worked, every last moan and sigh that left his mouth. He wanted to claim that mouth so badly and nearly did, reining himself in at the last minute and distracting himself by sliding his hand down to Steve’s ass and gripping it hard, pulling him impossibly closer. Steve liked it and let him know it with a low growl. 

“C’mon, Buck,” Steve demanded lowly, working them harder, faster, the rhythm of their hips growing erratic. “C’mon.”

“ _Steve_ ,” Bucky groaned, fingers digging into the firm muscle beneath them as he felt himself reach the point of no return. 

“Yeah, Buck,” Steve whispered, their faces closer than ever, sharing the same stilted breaths and lips so very nearly touching. “God you feel so good like this. So fucking good, Buck. So -  _oh_ -“

And that was it, Steve’s body going rigid against Bucky’s as he came long and hot all over him, and Bucky was gone just as quickly. They gasped against each other’s mouths through their orgasms, lips brushing but only faintly and unintentionally, neither of them able to care in their blissful states. It was, Bucky was sure, their best encounter to date by far, and possibly the best orgasm of his life. 

They clung to each other as they came down, Bucky’s hand coming up to rest lightly on Steve’s hip and his eyes opening first. He watched in a happy daze as Steve slowly caught his breath, eyes shut and looking so damn beautiful it hurt. Bucky wasn’t sure when he’d started thinking of Steve that way - of being beautiful and sexy and every other similar adjective in existence - but God, now that he had he would surely never stop. How could he? 

Then, finally, Steve let out a long sigh and opened his eyes. Their gazes met and Bucky gave him a small, fond smile, and the way that Steve blushed and grinned back...  oh, _fuck_ . Bucky knew right then at that moment that he was doomed. 

And if he was doomed, well, he might as well make the best of it. 

He closed the negligible distance between them and pressed a feather soft kiss to Steve’s lips. It was chaste and simple, sweet rather than hungry, and when he pulled away he opened his eyes to find Steve’s gaze so soft it nearly hurt. There was no rejection there, no regret, not even an ounce of objection, and Steve proved it by looking down at Bucky’s lips and then leaning forward to kiss them himself. 

They exchanged no words, because none were necessary. Instead they laid in each other’s arms and kissed softly and lazily, finding immeasurable comfort and innocent pleasure in the simple contact of lips upon lips. It felt right, like they should have been doing it all along, and Bucky wished he hadn’t been so scared to do this before now. 

They fell asleep wrapped up together, Bucky’s head tucked under Steve’s chin and the blankets pulled on top of them. The dynamic had shifted again, Bucky could tell, and this time he was sure that it was unquestionably a good change. 

Nothing so natural and so  right could ever be wrong. 

—

One thing that Steve and Bucky very much did not do following any of those axis-tilting events was talk about them in any meaningful way. Bucky wanted to and tried several times, but each time he’d either lose his nerve or they’d be interrupted or Steve would start kissing down his neck and undressing him. Bucky would tell himself  _later_ , and then the cycle would begin anew. 

But really, Bucky couldn’t complain. With each new time they touched, he spiraled deeper into the alluring haze of this new thing between them, finding more pleasure in Steve and his body than he ever could have dreamed before. He found that he very much enjoyed having Steve’s dick in his mouth, loved watching Steve come and knowing that he’d been the one to cause it, adored the way his blush-tinged body would shiver and tremble beneath his touch. It was addicting, and as far as Bucky could tell, it was very much a mutual thing. 

The thing was, however, that Bucky was starting to have a hard time controlling his attraction to Steve and containing it to their floor. Sometimes, while watching Steve spar with Nat in the gym, he’d want to just drop his own workout and grab Steve and have him right there on the mat, for all their friends to see. Other times, like when Steve would argue with Tony about a mission and end up giving one of his impromptu impassioned speeches about doing the right thing, Bucky would have to fight from squirming in his seat and focus on willing away the arousal that Steve could now inspire so easily. It was becoming a problem. Since when did Steve simply being Steve turn Bucky into an out of control horny teenager? 

But rather than talk about it like an adult, Bucky kept it locked down deep inside along with everything else and tried to just continue on with life as usual. Sometimes he caught Natasha or Sam - and occasionally Pepper - glancing at him and Steve curiously, so Bucky assumed that they probably knew that something was up with them. But he didn’t feel comfortable enough with a single one of them yet to talk to them about it. 

It was fine, he’d tell himself when he’d start to feel vaguely panicky about the whole thing. Steve seemed to like their arrangement and it didn’t change anything about their day to day dynamic and friendship, besides the sudden increase in kissing and mutual orgasms, so really, Bucky figured, it was a win/win kind of deal. 

Then, only about a week and a half following their first kiss, Steve managed to talk Bucky into attending one of Tony’s private parties with him. Bucky wasn’t totally sure how Steve had done it, although he suspected it was probably due to the way that Steve had all but purred the question while languidly jerking them off together on the couch in front of a long-forgotten movie. He blamed the resulting blindingly intense orgasm for the fact that he ended up in a black suit with his hair tied back the very next night, sitting up in the penthouse of the tower and sipping Tony’s best whiskey while the Earth’s mightiest heroes danced and drank and had a grand old time. 

It wasn’t so bad, he supposed. He played a round of pool with Clint and Bruce, rolling his eyes when Clint  of course didn’t miss a single shot. Then there was Thor who gamely let everyone take a shot at lifting Mjolnir. He even specifically invited Bucky to do so, sweetheart that he was, and Bucky declined in much the same way that Natasha did. Neither of them saw much value in being reminded of the pasts that surely made them unworthy of such honors today. 

But Bucky didn’t have much time to wallow in that thought thanks to Sam breaking out a karaoke machine from God only knew where and cranking it up. Nearly everyone took a turn belting out hits from the 80s, and the standouts ended up being Clint, Nat and Pepper. Bucky was sitting next to Thor and marveling quietly over Natasha’s smoky, beautiful voice when something caught his eye from across the room and almost instantly ruined the entire evening. 

It was Steve laughing and talking with a blonde woman - Sharon Carter, Bucky realized. Peggy’s niece. Lovely woman, excellent agent whom Bucky had worked with now on several missions, not someone whom he had any issues with until that exact moment. She was quite obviously flirting with Steve - kind of gross, if you asked Bucky, considering her family connections - and Steve wasn’t stopping her or stepping away. In fact, he was flirting right back - telltale blush on his cheeks, adorable boyish smile, and worst of all, the way that he leaned in when Sharon touched his chest while throwing her head back with laughter. 

Bucky saw red. He slammed his glass down much harder than intended on the coffee table in front of him, the sound loud and jarring to his own ears, and glared at Steve as he got to his feet. Both Steve and Sharon turned to look at him, the smiles draining from their faces as Bucky stomped off looking like he was ready to go on a murder spree that would make even John Wick wince. 

He made a beeline for the elevator, feeling suddenly overheated and slightly embarrassed but most of all just angry as hell. He stewed in his thoughts as he made his way to his and Steve’s floor, staring a hole into the floor as he wondered who the hell gave Sharon the right to touch Steve -  his Steve. Who gave her or anyone else the right to smile at him and flirt with him like that? And Steve just going along with it, as if Bucky wasn’t sitting right there, as if they weren’t... whatever they were. 

He marched into their rooms, into the common area as he kicked off his shoes and shed his suit jacket, leaving them on the floor just like Steve hated. He didn’t give a shit. Steve obviously didn’t give a shit about -

“Bucky? What’s wrong?”

Bucky stopped dead in his tracks and closed his eyes at the sound of Steve’s bewildered voice. Bastard must have taken the stairs. “Fuck off, Steve.”

“No.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes and turned on his heel, looking Steve in the eye. He wished he didn’t look so damn delicious in his dark blue suit, tailored to his body like a glove. “ _No_? ”

“ No,” Steve shrugged, taking a step closer. “Not until you tell me what the hell that was about.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and turned away, intending to walk off to anywhere Steve wasn’t. “I don’t know, Steve, why don’t you tell me?”

Steve reached out and grabbed Bucky by his left hand, whirling him around. “ Buck, _stop it_ .”

Bucky shoved Steve’s hand off and, just for good measure, gave Steve’s chest a shove too. “Shouldn’t you be getting back to Sharon now? She’s probably wondering where you went.”

Steve’s expression shifted from bewildered to suddenly understanding. He took a deep breath and repeated incredulously, “ _Sharon_? That’s what this is about?”

Bucky shrugged. “She’s pretty and her last name’s Carter so I guess I get why you’d wanna fuck her, but I -“

Bucky found himself slammed into a wall before he could finish that thought, Steve pinning him there and growling a warning, “You watch your fuckin’ mouth, Barnes.”

“Oh, what’re you gonna do, Rogers?” Bucky shot back, grabbing Steve’s wrist and reversing their positions, pushing Steve into the wall and holding him there with his left arm shoved against his collarbone. “Don’t make threats you can’t follow through on.”

What followed was a scuffle that was as sloppy as it was immature, Steve throwing Bucky off of him and Bucky taking a swing at him that never landed, both men ending up grappling at each other on the floor and fighting like they had a handful of times in the old days, in Brooklyn. Neither of them actually tried to hurt the other - they both knew they could have had they wanted to - and it came to an end when Steve finally pinned Bucky down to the floor on his back, a leg between his thighs and his face mere inches away as he commanded, “ _Stop fighting me_ .”

“Fuck you,” Bucky retorted, squirming against Steve and realizing with a start that they were both hard.  Fucking hell. 

“I don’t wanna fuck Sharon,” Steve murmured, grinding down against Bucky a little bit like he couldn’t help it. “I wasn’t flirting with her.”

Bucky continued to squirm but found himself mostly immobile, and fuck if it didn’t turn him on even more. “Yeah you fuckin’ were.”

“No I fuckin’ wasn’t,” Steve hissed. “And even if I was, so what? You got a problem with that, Buck?”

Bucky’s cheeks went red. He covered it up by scowling at Steve as hard as he could and replying through gritted teeth, “No, not at all. Go fuck whoever you wanna fuck, Steve, doesn’t mean shit to me.”

Steve pressed down against him harder, their cocks brushing through the fabric of their slacks and making Bucky shiver as Steve whispered with their lips just a breath apart, “Liar.”

Then they were kissing, hard and breathless and desperate, and Bucky couldn’t stop the deep moan that escaped into Steve’s mouth. Steve let go of his hands and Bucky immediately sunk them into Steve’s hair, holding him closer as they kissed and kissed and kissed until their lungs burned. 

When they broke apart they didn’t go far, breathing hard against each other’s lips. Steve’s hips were rolling deliberately now, both men gasping at the friction, and Bucky decided  fuck it and started pulling and tugging at Steve’s clothes. They both pushed and pulled until their pants and boxers were shoved down their thighs, Steve’s shirt torn open and Bucky’s gone entirely, and then Steve turned Bucky over and yanked him up by the hips, pressing his cock to the swell of Bucky’s ass and leaning down to whisper in his ear, “This what you want?”

Hair dangling in Bucky’s face like a curtain, he clenched his jaw and forced himself to stay silent. But Steve wasn’t having any of that, reaching down and wrapping a hand around his cock while dragging his own up and down Bucky’s ass, free hand sweeping Bucky’s hair over his shoulder as he murmured, “C’mon, tell me. Wanna have me all to yourself, huh? Wanna be the only one I fuck?”

The words made Bucky moan out loud, entire body shuddering at them and their implications. He started fucking Steve’s fist in earnest, only to get his ass slapped by Steve - hard - as he hissed, “Answer me, Buck.”

....  _That_ was new. And Bucky loved it so much it made him feel almost drunk for the first time since ‘45. 

“ Yes,” he finally obeyed with a groan. “God yes, Steve,  _fuck_ , that’s what I want.”

“Then just say so,” Steve groaned, rutting against him harder, stroking him faster, both of them barreling towards a release they couldn’t have held off even if they’d wanted to. “I’ll always give you what you want.”

Bucky bit back a whimper, admitting softly, “Want you to want it too.”

“I do,” Steve replied in a gasp, rhythm stuttering in that telltale way. “I want it, Buck, I want you, I want -“

Steve then came with a moan that shook Bucky to his very core, pushing him over the edge right along with him, and it was so damn good he saw stars. He loved the way it felt to have Steve draped over him like that, spilling on his ass and making him feel claimed in a way their previous encounters hadn’t. It made him want even more, made him want to feel that cock inside of him, experience it for the first time and give Steve a piece of himself that nobody had ever had before. 

For now, however, Bucky collapsed tiredly to his stomach on the floor not caring about the mess he’d made on it, Steve staying where he was and laying over him as they caught their breath. He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but Steve was the first to speak and break the silence. 

“For the record,” he began, voice low with satisfaction, “Sharon was telling me about how Fury walked in on her and Nat going at it the other day. That’s why I was blushing and laughing. She got a lot more detailed than I expected.”

Bucky blinked. “Sharon... and Nat? They’re...”

“Yep. Been going on for awhile.”

“Oh.” If Bucky hadn’t been feeling stupid already...

“Yeah.” Steve pressed a kiss just under his ear. “So maybe next time just talk to me first before jumping to conclusions.”

Bucky swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. And I’m sorry about what I said. About her last name being Carter and... yeah. It was fucked up. Uncalled for.”

“Yeah it was,” Steve agreed. “But it’s okay. I forgive you. We all say things we don’t mean when we’re angry.”

Bucky closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, reveling in the closeness and the intimacy of the moment, thinking for roughly the 65 millionth time how he didn’t deserve Steve. He was so good, so loyal, so quick to forgive, and Bucky was just... he was just  Bucky . And for some reason, that seemed to be more than enough for Steve. 

He’d never understand it, but he’d also never stop being more grateful for it than words could say. 

—

A few nights later, Bucky sat freshly showered on the edge of his and Steve’s bed, shirtless and trying - badly - to braid his hair. It was ridiculously long these days, reaching just a little bit past his shoulders, but he liked it that way and didn’t want to cut it. He wasn’t the man he used to be and he didn’t want to look like him, and besides... Steve sure seemed to enjoy running his fingers through those long locks and, occasionally, pulling on it just right. 

But that didn’t mean Bucky wanted it dangling in his face 24/7. Ponytails and buns were easy but not particularly comfortable to sleep in, and his and Steve’s usual bedtime was fast approaching, thus his valiant but ultimately doomed attempts at braiding. 

“Need a hand?”

Bucky looked up to find Steve in the doorway, closing the bedroom door behind him with a small smile. Ignoring the instant butterflies fluttering about his belly, Bucky asked, “You know how to braid hair?”

Steve nodded and walked over, taking a seat behind Bucky and gathering his hair behind his shoulders, smoothing his fingers through it. “You might not remember yet, but I used to braid Becca’s hair sometimes.”

“Oh,” Bucky frowned. It was immensely, indescribably frustrating to listen to Steve or others talk about his past and Bucky not be able to remember it for himself. He was getting better but at a slower pace than he’d like, and some of those early memories were some of the hardest to recover. 

“Yeah,” Steve murmured as he sectioned Bucky’s hair into three equal pieces, then began twining them together. “She swore I did it best ‘cause my fingers were on the smaller side. Dunno if that was true or not, but I did get pretty good at it after awhile.”

“Braid any hair this century?” Bucky asked with a small grin, enjoying the simple intimacy of the moment, of Steve taking care of him. 

“Nat, a couple times, when she messed up her arm on a mission. She was surprised by my skills, too.”

Bucky chuckled. “You being good with your hands shouldn’t surprise anyone.”

After tying off the braid with an elastic that Bucky provided from his wrist, Steve laid it over Bucky’s shoulder and leaned in, lips brushing his ear. “Not talkin’ about hair anymore, are you?”

Bucky grinned, leaning into him. “I dunno. What do you think?”

“I think you’re a punk,” Steve murmured, one warm hand on Bucky’s thigh as he kissed just under his ear. 

“Jerk,” Bucky groaned before sliding his hand into Steve’s hair, turning his head and capturing his lips in a hungry kiss. Steve didn’t hesitate to sink into it, returning the kiss with the kind of passion that made Bucky’s toes curl, and something about it told him...  _tonight was the night._

They hadn’t talked about going all the way, not since the topic was broached during their anger-filled romp on the floor after Stark’s party, but Bucky had been able to think of little else. He’d done a bit of research on the matter and had taken advantage on what he considered one of the new millennium’s best perks, Amazon Prime, and had stocked their bedside table with three different kinds of lube. Steve hadn’t noticed yet, but Bucky hoped that would change tonight. 

They kissed until they were each breathless, and Bucky was more than happy to comply when Steve pushed him down on his back and climbed on top of him. Bucky had grown to crave the weight of Steve’s body holding him down, feeling safer and freer there than he did anywhere else in the world. He slipped his hands up the back of Steve’s shirt, flesh and metal fingers raking greedily over his skin, tongue tangling with Steve’s deep in his mouth, both men grinding together and moaning low at the delicious friction. 

But it wasn’t enough. Not tonight. 

“Steve,” Bucky gasped, sucking in a heavy breath as Steve began to rain kisses down his neck. “ _Steve_ .”

“Yeah, Buck,” he whispered back, sucking a bruise where everyone would see it the next day, licking over it tenderly and approvingly. 

Bucky licked his lips, trying to find the words to ask what he wanted. “Steve, I... I want...”

“Tell me,” Steve encouraged him, nudging at Bucky’s chin with his nose. 

Bucky took a breath and the words were on the tip of his tongue, his heart slamming in his chest... and then the obnoxiously familiar chirp of Steve’s phone brought the moment to a sadly anticlimactic end. 

They stared at each other for a moment, both of them well aware that Steve couldn’t just ignore it no matter how much he wanted to. Steve grimaced and gave Bucky a quick kiss with a muttered  hang on and then he was up and off of Bucky, leaving him feeling nothing short of bereft. 

“Yeah,” Steve answered, tone short and annoyed. Bucky threw his metal arm over his eyes and sighed, listening and waiting for the verdict. A few more seconds passed, and then, “All right. Understood. Be there in five.”

Bucky groaned and cursed the very universe itself. His arm flopped to his side and he opened his eyes to watch Steve fix his clothes and quickly run his hands through his hair, muttering, “There’s a situation.”

“Yeah, I got that. Should I come too?”

Steve shook his head. “I’ll call you in if I need you but I don’t think so.” Then he leaned over and gave Bucky a kiss that he felt all over, adding afterwards, “I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

Bucky grinned despite his frustration. “I’m sure you will.”

Then Steve was rushing off to save the world yet again, leaving Bucky frustrated and horny and alone. He sighed heavily after the door closed behind Steve, staring up at the ceiling and supposing that tonight wasn’t the night after all. 

Oh well. He’d waited this long. He figured he could wait until he worked up the nerve yet again to ask for what he wanted.

—

Bucky awoke some hours later to the comforting relief of a familiar warm body slipping into bed behind him, pulling him into a pair of arms that he knew better than his own. Bucky groaned sleepily and asked quietly, “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” Steve replied, settling in close and laying a soft kiss to Bucky’s bare shoulder. Neither of them wore anything more than their underwear. “Was more of a false alarm than anything.”

“That’s a first,” Bucky sighed. He laid his metal hand over Steve’s and added, “M’glad you’re back.”

Steve nuzzled Bucky’s ear, sending shivers down his spine. “Me too.”

If Steve had left it at that, Bucky would have happily drifted off to sleep. It was the middle of the night and he was safe and warm in bed with the person he trusted and loved most in the world, his eyes heavy and eager for slumber. But Steve seemed to have other ideas and signaled as much when he pressed a kiss to Bucky’s neck... and then licked a hot trail up to his ear. 

Bucky shivered and let out a helpless little moan. Steve groaned lightly in reply and bit down on a spot that he knew would drive Bucky wild, and that was when Bucky decided that sleep was overrated. 

Steve’s arm unwound from Bucky’s waist and his hand trailed over his bare skin down to his hip, gripping it tight as he rocked up against Bucky and let him know how turned on he already was. Bucky’s breath hitched, wondering if he’d been hard before he’d even slipped into bed, amazed that he could cause such a reaction in Steve. He eagerly pushed back against that hard cock, wordlessly offering himself to Steve and wishing that it was that easy, that Steve would just read his mind and know what he wanted. 

Mouth still dragging up and down Bucky’s neck, Steve reached down and teasingly rubbed Bucky through his boxers before tugging them down and out of the way, grasping him in a confident grip and stroking and taking Bucky’s breath away. 

“You, too,” Bucky moaned breathily, reaching back and tapping on Steve’s clothed hip. “Off.”

Steve let go of him just long enough to hastily comply, and when he returned there were no barriers left between them, just skin against glorious skin, and Bucky’s metal hand clamped down around Steve’s hip to hold him close as he started fucking into Steve’s hand and deliberately rocking back on his cock. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Steve’s rough groan caressed Bucky’s ear, and Bucky felt like he was in heaven. It was so close, so intimate, every inch of their bodies touching and closer than ever before, and yet he needed more - so much more. He leaned his head back and slipped his metal fingers into Steve’s hair, pulling him down for a kiss so hot it nearly sent him over the edge right there. 

They kissed until their lips were swollen, rocking together and in perfect sync until Bucky shifted  just so, and then Steve’s cock was suddenly slipping between his cheeks and rubbing so close to where he wanted it and that was what made the dam finally burst and gave Bucky just what he needed to finally voice his desires. 

“Steve,” he gasped against Steve’s parted, breathless lips, “ _God_ I want you to fuck me.”

Rather than grind to a halt, Steve’s hips and fist only moved faster at those words. “Buck...”

“I mean it,” Bucky swore, kissing him sloppily for emphasis. Then he looked him dead in the eye and whispered, “Want you to fuck me so bad, Steve.”

Steve moaned and silenced him with a kiss, redoubling his efforts until they were both coming with moans that the other swallowed, making a mess of each other and the bed and not caring in the least. 

As they came back down breath by breath, Steve inhaled deeply and asked roughly, “You meant that?”

Bucky nodded, eyes closed and dick still hard despite his release. He was pretty sure Steve was, too. “Yeah. Wanted it for awhile now.”

At first Steve didn’t reply, and Bucky was on the verge of panicking and thinking that maybe he’d ruined everything, that the request would prove to be the thing that finally broke the spell. But relief came when Steve kissed just behind his ear and murmured, “Turn over, Buck.”

Bucky did as he was told, rolling over on his front as Steve pulled away the covers that had been on top of them until now. The rush of cool air made Bucky’s skin tingle but it was nothing compared to how it felt knowing that Steve’s eyes were roving all over him. He could imagine the sight that he made, sweat-slick and ass covered in Steve’s come, and he realized that he was just too damn proud and satisfied to be embarrassed. 

Steve ran two already wet fingers through the mess, lying next to Bucky and staring at him like he was simply the most precious thing on the planet. “You sure about this?”

Bucky nodded, turning his head and pillowing it on his arms to look at Steve at his side. “Yeah, Steve. Promise.”

Steve’s lips quirked, eyes drifting back down to his ass as he continued to trace nonsense patterns against it. “I’m not really gonna know what I’m doing.”

“I did some research. Fingers first, then your dick. Lots of lube,” Bucky replied, unable to keep the slight grin off his face. “That’s about it.”

Steve hummed as if in deliberation, gathering up more of his mess on his fingers and then slipping them curiously down between Bucky’s cheeks, rubbing softly against the sensitive flesh there. Bucky tensed and held his breath, and Steve watched him closely but didn’t stop. “That okay?”

Bucky nodded quickly, willing himself to relax. This was all new for him - at least he was pretty sure it was, if his spotty memories could be trusted - and the sensations were foreign but not unwelcome. The internet had told him that this part might not be the best at first, but it was worth it to achieve his end goal. 

“Tell me if it starts to hurt,” Steve told him, still just rubbing and getting him used to the simple touch. “Or if you don’t like it. Say the word and I’ll stop, okay? I just want this to be good for you. S’all I want.”

Bucky nodded, giving Steve a sweet smile.“Yes, sir.”

He said it a bit tongue in cheek, but it made Steve smile warmly all the same. Then he paused and looked across the room, muttering, “Y’know, I don’t know if I have much for lube around here...”

“Top drawer on the left,” Bucky smirked. “I came prepared.”

Steve raised an eyebrow, smirking back as his fingers resumed their teasing, getting a little bit more bold. “So you’ve been thinking about it, huh?”

Bucky closed his eyes and licked his lips, sighing at the touches. “Yeah.”

“Been thinking about me fucking this pretty little ass,” Steve mused, and the way Bucky shuddered and pushed back against his fingers was wholly on instinct and damn near involuntary. Steve groaned under his breath at that reaction, marveling, “Damn, you really do want it, don’t you Buck?”

Bucky nodded, whining, “Can you - I need -“

“Yeah, yeah, I got you,” Steve assured him, scrambling over Bucky and reaching for the drawer that Bucky had indicated. He grabbed the first bottle his hand found, quickly looking it over and deciding that it would suffice, and when he returned to Bucky’s side he decided that he wanted to be closer to him for this part. He set the lube down and gently gathered Bucky in his arms, pulling him against his chest in the position that they knew so well, and asked, “This okay?”

Bucky smiled back at him with nothing short of pure devotion in his eyes. “It’s perfect, Steve.”

Steve smiled back, laying a sweet kiss on his lips and almost getting lost in it before remembering the task at hand. Bucky watched as Steve slicked up his fingers, body thrumming with anticipation, and when Steve leaned in to kiss him again as his hand slipped south, Bucky accepted the kiss for the distraction that it was and gave himself fully over to Steve. 

It wasn’t as bad as he had feared, he soon realized with deep relief. It was more strange than anything at first, but as they both eased into it and one finger became two and Bucky fully relaxed, the oddness began to give way to a surprising pleasure. It grew steadily along with Steve’s confidence in his efforts, and then it all but exploded once he hit the perfect spot for the first time. It was like nothing that Bucky had ever felt before, and once he got a taste of it he suddenly couldn’t get enough. 

“Like that?” Steve asked with a hungry grin, watching Bucky rocking himself back on Steve’s fingers with his mouth open, brows furrowed and sweat beading on his forehead. 

“So good, Steve,” Bucky choked out, eyes even watering a little. “Need more. Need your cock, Steve, m’ready.”

“You sure?” Steve asked, the very notion of hurting Bucky in the slightest the last thing he wanted. 

Bucky nodded, not fully sure if he was ready since this was his first time but also not really caring too much either way. He needed Steve and he needed him now, consequences be damned, and thankfully Steve didn’t argue with him. Bucky shifted on to his back as Steve reached for the lube again, and when their eyes met Bucky spread his legs in a wordless invitation that Steve accepted without a second thought. 

_This_ , Bucky thought after Steve slicked himself up and then climbed on top of him, was exactly what he’d been wanting and needing so badly. That safe, beautiful weight on top of him, covering him and enveloping him, sweet blue eyes gazing down on his like he was really worth something, worth the kind of care and affection that he wasn’t even sure how to accept... it was everything he wanted and nothing he deserved, he was sure, but he was too greedy to deny it. 

He swallowed as Steve lined him up, pressing at his entrance gently and meeting his gaze with concern and lust warring in those familiar depths. “Ready, Buck?”

Bucky nodded, a wave of nervousness washing over him. “Go slow.”

“Course,” Steve assured him, kissing him softly and sweetly as he began to push inside almost unbearably slowly. 

It was...  a _lot_. It was so much and he hardly knew how to process it, pleasure and pain blurring together in ways he’d never experienced before, and Steve was the only thing anchoring him to reality. Steve didn’t stop until he was fully seated, and once he was and he gave them both a chance to catch their breath, Bucky was sure that he’d never been more breathless or vulnerable. He felt split open and raw in more ways than one, but all it took was opening his eyes and seeing Steve’s face just inches from his own to remind him that it was okay and that he was safe, that he was allowed to have this. 

And Steve, he’d never seen Steve so flushed and his eyes so wild with barely restrained hunger. Bucky reached up and placed a trembling metal thumb to Steve’s lower lip, and Steve’s eyes fluttered shut as he pressed a kiss to that thumb and nuzzled his hand. Then Bucky slid his hand to the back of Steve’s head, pulling him down and whispering in his ear, “You can move now.”

Steve replied with an almost pitiful moan and a gentle, sweet thrust of his hips. He moved as if Bucky would shatter if he pushed too hard, but that initial discomfort didn’t last long for Bucky. Before he knew it he was ready for more, ready to be truly fucked, and he let Steve know by sliding both hands down to Steve’s ass and squeezing hard as he demanded softly, “Fuck me, Steve. M’ready for it.”

And that was all the green light that Steve needed. He pulled out nearly all the way and then thrust back in, Bucky’s legs wrapping tight around his waist, both of them groaning as they built a rhythm together. There wasn’t any pain, any hesitation, nothing but the strange feeling that they’d been built for this, somehow - that Bucky had been made to take Steve in, that this had always been where they’d been destined to end up sooner or later. 

And Steve,  _God_ , watching him was a religious experience. Bucky watched his muscles flex and bulge as Steve fucked into him, watched the blush on his cheeks envelop his entire body, watched his blonde hair flop down on his forehead, his brows knit with exertion, his arms trembling as they held him up. It wasn’t because he was weak, Bucky damn well knew - it was from keeping himself in check, controlling himself, still so damn afraid of hurting Bucky. 

“Hey,” Bucky whispered, pulling Steve’s face down for a kiss, their rhythm slowing for a moment. “Listen to me. I’m not gonna break, okay? I can take anything you have to give me. And I want you to give it to me. You hear me, Steve? I want it, I want you to fuck me as hard as you want.”

And just like that, Steve’s hips started snapping at a brutal pace and his kisses lost their gentleness, replaced by sheer reckless passion. Bucky let out a noise he didn’t even know he was capable of at the shift, hanging to Steve with both hands as he pounded into him and sent him spiraling into the most potent pleasure he’d ever known. 

And yet, as intense and fast and unforgiving as it was, there was still an undeniable tenderness and sweetness to it all. It slipped to the surface when they both knew they were close, Steve kissing Bucky breathless and telling him with their foreheads pressed together, “You’re so fuckin’ beautiful, Buck.”

Bucky opened his eyes and felt them watering, unsure if they were tears or simply products of how wholly overwhelmed he was. “ _Steve_ ...”

“So perfect,” Steve whispered, closing his eyes, both men breathing into each other’s mouths. “I love you so much.”

Bucky’s heart stuttered in his chest, a burst of boundless joy overtaking him and sending a fresh wave of real tears down his cheeks. It was too much, way too much, but it was exactly what they both needed. “I love you too, Steve,” Bucky whispered back as Steve wiped the tears from his face. “I always have.”

And that he knew beyond the faintest shadow of a doubt. He didn’t need a perfect, reliable, crystal clear memory to know that he had loved Steve his whole life. He knew it in his heart, his soul, and his very bones. Loving Steve was instinctive, like muscle memory, something even Hydra had never managed to burn out of him. 

Steve kissed him joyfully, both men too overcome to say or do anything but ride their waves until they broke. And when they did, it was nothing short of spectacular - Bucky coming first, entirely untouched, squeezing the life out of Steve until he came with a roar and filled Bucky up, claiming and marking him for his own. It felt like it lasted forever, going on and on until they were spent and collapsed into inelegant piles in each other’s arms. 

Bucky laid there with his eyes closed and racing heart slowly calming, praying that he wouldn’t open his eyes only to find that it had all been a cruel dream. It seemed too good to be true, too sweet, far beyond what a man of his sins deserved. 

But, to his everlasting relief, when he opened his eyes Steve was still there and he was still in Steve’s arms. His head was pillowed on Steve’s chest, Steve’s fingers tracing up and down on Bucky’s back, and Bucky looked up to find Steve gazing down at him with such naked, undeniable love that it shook Bucky to his core all over again. 

“How.... how long have you... felt that way?” Bucky asked. 

Steve smiled and exhaled heavily, glancing up at the ceiling briefly as he shrugged. “For as long as I can remember. Always. I don’t know what it’s like to not love you, Buck.”

Those words brought tears to Bucky’s eyes all over again. “I don’t deserve you, Steve. I don’t deserve this.”

“Well, there’s where we disagree,” Steve replied with a fond smile, tracing Bucky’s cheekbone. “And that’s okay. I’ll convince you one of these days.”

“What if you don’t?” Bucky asked with a tight smile, wondering what Steve would do if Bucky was always a self-hating disaster who woke up screaming from nightmares and carried an entire century’s worth of guilt on his back every day. 

“Then I’ll just keep loving you enough for the both of us,” Steve replied before leaning in and softly kissing Bucky’s lips. Bucky smiled into the kiss, wanting to call him a sap but deciding instead to melt against him and let Steve care for him as only he knew how. 

And for the first time since Hydra, Bucky truly believed in his heart that everything was gonna be okay. He had Steve and Steve had him, and so long as that remained true, he might just turn out okay after all. 


End file.
